Mad Men

MAD MEN!? I love this series!! It's about four old blokes. They're all played by middle aged actors that used to be shit hot but are now not. They go on holiday and get into hilarious situations. It's proper banter.

You're thinking of the very average Mad Dogs. This is Mad Men, the golden globe winning drama starring Jon Hamm.

Oh...when's Mad Dogs back then?

I'll get back to you on that.

Well, seeing as I'm here, what's Mad Men and why should I care?

Mad Men revolves around an advertising agency in 1960's New York. It's been a worldwide sensation since its debut back in 2007. After eight years and 91 episodes, it's final instalment airs this Thursday on Sky Atlantic.

I have Virgin Media and can't get this elitist channel. I've heard that if you watch Sky Atlantic, you die within seven days.

I'd imagine Sky's lawyers would disagree and strongly advise me to say that any deaths accuring within seven days are purely coincidental.

How mad are these mad men? Are they as mad as Mad Max? Did you know there's a new Mad Max film out. Although I don't think Mel Gibson is Max anymore because he called someone 'Sugar Tits' years ago and Hollywood never forgets.

The title is a play on the phrase Ad Men which is what the show centres on. There is tiny glimpses of madness on the show but on the whole it's quite sophisticated and calm. Everyone wears ties and has hankerchiefs.

You're not really selling this to me. What do they do for a cliffhanger? Break a plate?

It's hard to explain but if you watched it from the start, you'd get why people love it so much.

So you're trying to make me watch the last episode of a TV show which I won't appreciate because I haven't seen the earlier ones?

All of the earlier episodes are on Sky's Catch on Demand service.

Who do you work for? Let me see your papers!

Erm...

I thought so. I love my Virgin Media Tivo box. I have every episode of Match of the Day recorded. Go and flog Sky someplace else. I'm off to see Tom Hardy in Mad Max, he's the tits!

- Adam Yates -

2015 General Election

This years General Election fooled all the critics, making it the most anti-climatic in years. The night itself was full of fake smiles and large dollops of spin. But just in case you missed it...

What's the general election?

It's a popularity contest where the British public choose a twat who claims to be 'less twatty' than the other candidates.

What do they win?

Among other things, free lunches, moats and second houses. But officially they win the right to govern for the benefit and on behalf of the British public.

Where does all this happen?

In the House of Commons, ironically most of them are anything but. When they are all in the same room, they resort to mockery and shouting.

So it's Top Gear?

It's exactly like Top Gear.

So who won king of the twats?

The majority of the votes went to the Conservatives which came as a surprise to many, as various opinion polls had the contest as a much much closer affair. The leader of the Conservative Party is the thumb looking David Cameron.

I don't like him, that's why I didn't register to vote. I agreed with Russell Brand and his powerful non voting revolution of change.

You obviously haven't been keeping up with current events. Russell did a U-turn and told his dozens of fans to vote Labour a week before the election.

WHAT!? Judas! I'm never buying any  of his quirky Hollywood comedies again! I'll stick with my 2nd favourite comedian, Al Murray. I wish I could vote for him. That would be sick!

Ermmm. (Explains that Al Murray was a candidate in South Thanet)

How can this be happening!? Is South Thanet even a real place?

No one knows.

So what happens now?

Well the Tories are in power for...

Wait...who's Datorys? Is she the Queen of Dragons? She's proper fit! Was she running? If so I'd run behind her if you know what I mean?

You seem to be confusing the power struggle of Westeros over the power struggle of Westminister. The Conservatives nickname is the Tories. Your sordid sexualisation of the queen of dragons is not uncommon but bears no resemblance to our actual Queen.

Ok, ok...so what do I get out of this new government? I live on the dole, in a council house and I have a spare bedroom I just use for back issues of The Guardian and pirated episodes of Game of Thrones.

Erm, you may be a little screwed there. I'm surprised you haven't been dealt with sooner. You're pretty much the problem as far as the Tories are concerned.

Fuck this! I'm gonna complain. How do I do this? I used to contact Watchdog but I stopped after Alice Beer left.

Well there's many ways you can air your opinion. One would have been to vote but aside from that you could maybe go on an organised march.

Like Stannis Baratheon!? Sign me up!

Sigh, no. A march is like a publicised fight for a cause you believe in. There's one for the fight against Austerity that's happening next month. You can sign up here. https://www.facebook.com/events/460624807433119/

I can't be seen in public. I'm supposed to be signed off with a "sore back." I'll just have to hope you guys sort this mess out. But if you ever need a chipped Sky+ box or cherry flavoured vapes, let me know.

Maybe we voted for the right party after all.

What?

Nothing.

Adam Yates

UFC

Ok, what's a UFC? Based on the picture I'd assume it stands for Underground Foot-Fetish Club? 

Not quite, although if you were this way inclined, this isn't the worst thing to watch. It stands for Ultimate Fighting Championship.

And I should care about this why?

MMA or Mixed Martial Arts as a sport is growing in popularity across the UK and abroad at an exponential rate and the UFC is the leading MMA organisation.

Don't confuse me with clever words like 'exponential' and 'across.'

Apologies. I'll speak more working class if it helps.

Yes please.

Ok. More people are hitting people legally and more people are watching it too.

You can watch it on TV!? Why didn't you say so?

The UFC hold monthly events on pay per view and the latest fight card is titled UFC 182 and is on tonight at 2am on BT Sport.

2am?! Where's it held...outside McDonald's after the clubs close?

No, it's 2am because the fight is in America so as we're generally 5 hours behind, the fights begin at 9pm (US time).

Got it. So which team should I support?

Every fighter is individual and doesn't compete for a team. However they are placed into weight classes so they compete against similarly built individuals.

So if a fatty wants to fight, they have to fight other fatties?

In a matter of speaking. However when the UFC first started, it was famous for its  "there are no rules" motto and questions were posed such as "Can a wrestler beat a boxer?" On other occasions boxers would fight sumo wrestlers (fatties) but the match ups were more about morbid curiosity rather than a genuine fighting competition.

All that sounds more fun. Show me some of that action!

http://youtu.be/zuzImQo7cdg

Wow! Here's my money! Where can I watch this on a regular basis?

Well a lot of people didn't like the no rules bloodsport and former presedential nominee, John McCain lobbied to have it banned and the UFC had major problems finding venues to hold events and TV audiences were growing tired of the formula. They ultimately (pun intended) to introduce stricter rules and assign fighters weight classes. Since those changes, the sport has grown massively and now has overtaken Boxing and WWE as the leading 'beat the living shit out of each other' sport in the US.

I assume all these fighters are complete A-holes who take drugs and have expensive orgies or whatever the plural word for orgy is?

Quite the opposite, the behaviour of MMA fighters, on the whole, are comparable to latter day saints and Disney Channel presenters. Not much scandal seems to happen outside the ring and there is not much theatrics inside either. It seems to be quite pleasant, aside from when your face looks like this...

Ok...I'm sold. I love man on man action! 

Women fight too.

Shut the front door!? I'm staying up to watch it tonight. It may be my anniversary but I don't give a hoot! 

You can always watch it on demand.

What's that!?

Sigh

Gareth Bale (2013)

Ok let's begin...WTF is a Gareth Bale?

Arguably it's not an it but a he. He is human. Well he's Welsh so lets say half human.

Occupation?

Footballer turned global brand. Employed by Tottenham Hotspur but currently subject to a headhunting bid by Rèal Madrid.

Rèal Madrid? They're good.

Yeah. If you compared clubs to TV stations, Tottenham are BBC Three (plucky but ultimately lose their best shows to BBC1) and Madrid are Sky One (throws cash at any show that's already established, steals it and airs it even though less people will watch).

So is Gareth good or is he over the hill?

Not at all. He's not even reached his prime according to pundits. In today's market, he's totally worth the £100 million that Rèal have offered.

£100 MILLION?! I could buy 16 pairs of pants from Hollister for that and still get some change?

Ermmm.....I guess.

Don't players have contracts?

They do but they're written on invisible ink it seems as Gareth Bale has had 5 new contracts doled out in the last 5 years. His latest one runs out in 2016 hence the large bid.

Why Spain and not an English team?

Simply put, Bale's own performances have priced him out of what English clubs can afford. Add to that, the fact that Spurs don't want him lining up against them twice a year and making them look foolish to their fans who once adored him. Spain as seen as the holy grail of a footballers career due to its history and financial strengths.

Financial Strengths?! Spain are broke? I saw it on Top Gear.

As are Rèal Madrid. But they have enormous long term loans that keep them afloat. Luckily not provided by Wonga.

If Tottenham sell, what will they do with the money?

Firstly Spurs will have to...

Woahhh..Who the fuck are Spurs?

Sorry, Spurs is the nickname of Tottenham Hotspur.

Oh ok. Continue

Spurs will have to give £2 million to Southampton FC. They trained Bale and as such they receive compensation.

Sweet!

No, not sweet. Originally they were also due to receive 15% of any future sale of Bale which would have meant a minimum of £10 million however they relinquished that clause when they ran into financial difficulty a few years back. Spurs threw them a couple mil to keep them afloat and subsequently miss out on the big pay day this summer.

That's fucking sly that.

Bit funny though.

Haha yeah. So when's he off then?

The deadline for summer transfers is 31st August and Gareth has been suspiciously absent from all of Tottenham's pre season games. Of course he could stay until January but the fee would come down.

Sounds like a done deal. Is that it? Can I get on with my life now that I've given you 2 minutes of my attention? Will you stop hassling me to 'Like' and 'Share' this fucking blog?

Yes, yes and no.

Adam Yates